An Atheist, a Therapist, and Zombie Walk into a Bar...
by Mary Harris
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Okay, full disclosure...they’re all me. And it wasn’t a bar, it was Friends Conference on Religion and Psychology, a beloved annual conference that brings together a wonderful bunch of social change-minded therapists, healers, and seekers, aka: my people, for an immersive, thoughtfully-planned, truly special conference that convenes each year over Memorial Day weekend at Pendle Hill Quaker retreat center just outside Swarthmore, PA.
I’d heard about FCRP over the years, this cherished gathering with its surprisingly impressive list of keynote speakers--big names like Robert Bly, Bessel van der Kolk, Marion Dunlea, and Stephen Porges, but I was never able to fit it into my busy life. My twenties and thirties were filled with world travel and psychotherapy conferences, and my forties and early fifties were consumed by parenting, trips to national parks, and kid-friendly activities, so a conference like FCRP never quite made it onto my schedule.
But things finally shifted last year. With my child nearly grown and heading off to college, I’m finally free to explore and travel for me again. This felt liberating, but after four years of COVID isolation, collective trauma, and overwork, and the looming, scary possibility of a second Trump presidency, I was aware that I was spent. What I really needed was a reset. So I started looking for a retreat where I could unplug, eat healthy food that somebody else cooked, get a good night’s sleep, be in nature, and reconnect with myself. I also really wanted to be with other seekers--people who value authentic connection, deep personal reflection and meaningful dialogue, and want to use those experiences to promote healing in our fractured world. An added bonus would be if I could learn some new skills I could bring back to my clients who are also feeling weary, scared, and depleted.
So, call it divine providence, or luck, or serendipity, but while I was searching for something that ticked at least some of my boxes, a Quaker friend who has attended FCRP for many years was lamenting that she was unable to attend due to another commitment, and she suggested I consider going myself, that it seemed like something I’d enjoy, and, boy, was she right!
As I read the description of FCRP 2024, I knew immediately this was where I needed to be. It ticked all of my boxes, and then some. And that added bonus? The keynote speaker was Tom Holmes, PhD, a highly acclaimed Internal Family Systems trainer, author, and beloved spiritual teacher. Tom integrates spirituality and IFS parts work, and I’m a huge fan of this powerful model for healing and transformation. I’m on the wait list to attend the official IFS Certification training, and I’ve been attending local IFS workshops whenever they are offered, but to get to learn IFS from a trainer as gifted and generous and present as Tom was such a rare opportunity, I registered immediately.
My weekend at the conference, supported by the peaceful holding environment of Pendle Hill, was exactly what I needed. I loved the keynote lectures and experiential learning in the large group with Tom, and I got to do some powerful personal work and support others as they did their work in my smaller IFS process group, which was facilitated by a deeply empathic, seasoned IFS therapist that I felt a truly meaningful connection with. Later, she and I shared an intimate walk through Pendle Hill’s beautiful 24-acre campus, rich with blooming shrubs, two hundred year-old specimen trees, a hidden bamboo forest and pottery garden, and a wonderful nature path that leads to a giant pond brimming with life, singing frogs, and dragonflies.
I met many quality humans that weekend. Some were Quakers, some not. Most were spiritual, but none seemed to mind my atheism. I felt seen and respected and welcome just as I am. I shared in meaningful dialogue and made new connections that have deepened and grown since last year, and I can’t wait to reconnect and continue those conversations at this year’s conference. There were multiple opportunities to do experiential work in small groups and dyads, my favorite way to learn, and those exercises, combined with the dances Tom brings from different spiritual practices around the world made this avowed atheist feel hopeful, joyous, and connected to something larger than myself.
Pendle Hill is a sacred place. Quakers and spiritual seekers have been gathering there to learn and worship for 93 years, and the spiritual energy of the place is palpable. It’s full of little nooks, hidden gardens, and semi-private spaces to sit, read, meditate, or talk with a friend. Even the air is different, with the scents of evergreen and forest and countless flowers hitting you as soon as you exit your car. The Pendle Hill staff live intentionally in community, and clearly love what they do, especially the kitchen staff who prepare deliciously healthy, locally-sourced food and vegetables from their own gardens. They make their own bread, and the absolute best granola, and they provide a welcoming, comfortable setting for healing and reflection.
There were so many just right things that weekend, but the real highlight, the thing that made FCRP so special for me, was the people. While there were other first-timers like me, many have been coming to this 83 years-running conference for years. I’ve been to a lot of conferences and gatherings and met a lot of interesting people, but the folks I met at FCRP are some of the most empathic, enlightened, curious, and kind people I’ve had the pleasure of sharing space with. Some travel from afar to be there every year, and there is a real sense of community. But unlike most groups or communities that define themselves by conformity and excluding “others,” the FCRP community prioritizes being welcoming and inclusive and finding common ground and points of connection, even across differences. Each person had their own unique story and personality, but every attendee values deep listening and self-reflection, which was such a welcome contradiction to the divisiveness and marginalization that’s been wearing on me in the deepest parts of my being.
Being with fellow compadres who are committed to personal growth and healing the world for 4 whole days realigned me. I left FCRP energized, grounded, and hopeful, ready to direct that positive energy and renewed focus toward the important people in my life, my clients, and, most importantly, myself as a change agent. I was so inspired by the weekend, and the people who put this exceptional experience together, I decided to join the FCRP Planning Committee to help ensure this transformative conference continues to thrive well into the future, and that, too, has been a real gift.
The isolation of capitalism can be brutal, and opportunities for teamwork and making new friends shrink as we age, especially for self-employed people who work from home who don’t belong to a church or follow a sport, etc. Serving on a committee like the FCRP Planning Committee has given me so much—I get to brainstorm with smart, kind, like-minded people who share a common goal, I get to give and receive real praise and appreciation when I or someone else contributes something meaningful, and I get to laugh and connect with people who regularly inspire, delight, and impress me.
It takes a lot of work to pull off an annual conference like FCRP. We are breathing new life into a well-respected, cherished organization while taking care to honor its rich history as a crucible for healing and transformation, and this feels like a radical act of hope and defiance in such a troubled world. Now more than ever, I find doing this important work, in community, sustains me. I’m counting the days until FCRP 2025, and I’m building excitement for more deep listening, more laughter, more authentic relating, and more connection.
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Mary A Harris, MSS, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and aging consultant in private practice in Philadelphia, PA. Drawing on three decades of training and experience, Mary provides specialized counseling and consultation for adults, with a particular focus on the second half of life.
Mary wears many hats for the Friends Collaborative, including:
FCRP Planning Committee
Speaker Series, Outreach, and
Continuing Education Manager