A JOURNEY TO BEING SELF
by Jan Mullen

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I wanted only to try to live

in accord with my true self.

Why was that so very difficult?
~ Herman Hesse

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Now, sitting here in my cozy chair, soft light streaming through the curtains, I am my Self. I am relaxed, aware.  Mary Oliver says that the soul is composed completely of attentiveness.  In that case, in this peaceful moment, I am Self and ensouled.  It has not always been so, and is not always this way now.

 

On another day, I go with a friend as an ally to visit a doctor whom she perceives as withholding necessary treatment.  I see what she means and I feel the heat of strong resentment. I want to jump to her defense, yet remain centered as I calmly address the doctor and explain how worthy she is of this treatment. I am activated, and I take action, but it is grounded and centered. This too is my Self.  It is the essence of who I am, has always been there and yet has taken years to reach.

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I attended a rally to hear a woman speak, a mother whose son had died in combat for our country, and who was speaking on behalf of peace.  Protesters were waving signs and creating deafening noise, intentionally drowning out the voice of the speaker.  I was in disbelief that these protesters could be that malicious. With rising anger, I approached one of the protesters, facing her, trying to send a silent message - 'why?'  She looked at me with a smirk, and I lost my cool and screamed at her. Maybe I was not myself, maybe there was a part of me that remembered facing down a bully when I was a kid.  In truth, I like the feeling of standing up for others, but I realize that there is a mature way to do that and a childish way.  If I let my child part lead the way, my behavior will be ineffective, immature. If I listen to that part, understanding its intention and energy, accepting any insights it has and taking that under advisement, I can act from my mature, genuine Self.   Then I have the best of both worlds.

 

In exercise class, the teacher quite innocently puts their hand on my hip to help me get in a better position. I am instantly frozen inwardly, yet continue to move through the exercises. I may appear just fine, but my body and my mind are on full-on alert. I leave the class and never go back again.  No longer myself, a part of me that remembers long ago unwanted touch recoils, takes over my body, freezes my emotions.  This comes as a shock, a complete surprise that I would have such a strong reaction. Since then, I have had conversations with this part, letting her know I am safe, I won't let that happen again, letting her tell me more about what is still unhealed. After some time, this part relaxes, and we have gained a new level of trust.

 

This is the place I've landed after 30+ years of doing inner work; living closer to my center, but still experiencing times when I'm not myself, times when a part of me rises in defensiveness or overwhelms me.  I value my inner parts as companions along the way.  They mean well, and mostly they are now wise advisors, helpers, placeholders for emotions I'm not ready to process.  

 

A part can also be the friend that has good intentions, but gets in your way, criticizes you because they want you to do better, even gives you panicky floods of emotion when an imminent disaster is looming.  Yet I have learned to trust that they mean well.  When I am in the throes of strong feelings and thoughts there is another version of myself, my centered Self, that can and must be present alongside these responsive parts.  

 

What was it like at the beginning? Reaching back over thirty years, when I first met the originator of the Internal Family Systems model, Richard C. Schwartz, I lived in my head. I realize now that being in that lofty tower far from my body was much safer there than to open up the swarm of memories and emotions that were solidly tucked away.  I reacted with blatant skepticism.  And yet as others have also noted, Dick Schwartz felt trustworthy, calm and disarming.  What I later realized is that he had a way of staying in his grounded Self, creating that aura of a safe space. There was no therapeutic agenda, just curiosity, and support to safely explore my inner world. 

 

When I followed his lead to focus inside, it was startling to discover an entire inner universe populated with not just thoughts or feelings, but actual people, parts of me that appeared as children or in other forms.  Not only that, but this universe had its own inner physics. It operated on the same principles as the outer universe, a system with weights and counterweights, dynamics, and balance. 

 

Some of my parts I met right away, others were hidden for a long time.  Parts of me holding painful memories, other parts of me keeping them sequestered.  Even more strange and challenging to me, he invited me to have dialogues with them. This was the beginning of a journey to being my true Self.

 

Imagine a place of calm, steadiness, and the possibility of happiness.  When we go there in our mind, we often think of a place where we feel that: a beach, a cozy room, a soothing spa. What if I were to tell you that this feeling in your mind and body is not necessarily controlled by your external world, but it is a state that you own. It is yours a state that is your inner most calm, your emotional ground. It is not a static, but dynamic state. From this state, we can brave the world, we can find our best version of ourselves. We can even heal our own pain.

 

I learned about IFS first, and then discovered Quaker thought and community. I was overcome with joy when I learned that the deeply held IFS assertion that there is a core Self in everyone was mirrored in the Quaker belief that there is That of God in everyone.  Each of these is not only a set of beliefs, but foremost is known through direct personal experience.  With these two universes coming into alignment, my life is richer, fuller. The two lenses through which I view my life are like binoculars, deepening my perspective.

 

Through the IFS lens, we understand that we are a core Self and we have parts, proactive parts that try to prevent us from being hurt and reactive parts that come to our defense. There are also exiles that are repressed or submerged for reasons of survival. The Self acts like a gyroscope, a dynamic centering energy that maintains balance, even while tilted back and forth in our life.

 

The journey of healing has been one of becoming more my true Self, a Self that has always been there, though hidden by the emotional calluses acquired from life's hardships. Calluses that were shed while preserving the precious parts that carried them. Having experienced this, I am able to say with confidence to my clients in therapy "you are already whole at your core, you are not broken."  It is a gift to be able to believe that each person, if they can heal their parts from their woundedness, will find that they are already the person that they want to be.

 

In our fractured world, the same pattern can emerge. Nations, communities, even families can have proactive managers, reactive parts, and exiles. Viewing this as a system holds the possibility for interventions that are more insightful and effective.  IFS is a map that helps me find my way through my inner world, and also a way to view larger groups, systems of people.   A promise of hope.

 

Being Self is our birthright as a human being.  It's also a challenge to protect and keep that precious gift. We lose touch with that amazing, expansive place and struggle to find our way back to it. It is the center of our inner universe.  When it is lost, we seek it through spiritual quests, therapy, loving or hurtful relationships, wrong turns and seemingly dead ends. In despair, humans turn to unsatisfying ways to soothe their pain. From asceticism to overindulgence, self-harm or war, the panoply of human ills. We seek enlightenment and if we're lucky, we find that it's not outside us but is the Light that is within us.

 

Questions to ponder:

 

How does it feel to me when I am centered, when I am my authentic Self?  

 

What can prevent me from being authentically my true Self?

 

What would it be like to accept all of my parts as having a positive intention towards me, even parts usually viewed as inner critics?  And further, to have compassion for them?

 

Jan Mullen LCSW

 

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1. Herman Hesse, Demian: The Quest for the Self.

 

2. "This is the first and wildest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness." American poet Mary Oliver, "Low Tide," Amicus Journal, Winter 2001.

 

3. Howard Thurman, "There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have."  From Howard Thurman's 1980 commencement address at Spelman College. 

 

4. George Fox: "Thus when God doth work, who shall prevent it? and this I knew experimentally." from the Journal of George Fox, 1647.

 

5. Tom Holmes, Parts Work: A Path of the Heart, p.153

 

6. Richard C. Schwartz, You Are the One You've Been Waiting For, p.62. 

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7 Jan Mullen, "IFS Mandala," in Self to Self newsletter of the Internal Family Systems Association, 2001.

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